Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize