Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
