where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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