its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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