Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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