Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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