my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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