Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
