I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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