end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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