....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
