happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
