I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
