haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
