you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize