Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
