he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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