Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
