so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
