I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
