They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
