Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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