1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Semen is not good for contacts.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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