Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
