wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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