Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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