my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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