pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
