dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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