Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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