I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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