You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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