the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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