he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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