Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
vagina is talking i cant
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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