so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
