Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
