I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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