i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Never let your siblings swipe right.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
