Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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