i need an iv and a liver transplant
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
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