You were right. It hurts to walk today.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
cat food counts as protein by the way
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
