I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
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