As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
