the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
