In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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