im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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