We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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