I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
