You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
