Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
