Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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