alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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