so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
