No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
