I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
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I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
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If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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