I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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