I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Are we still banned from the library?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?