btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
