he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
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You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
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I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.