Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him