RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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