I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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